Thor Goes to Whole Foods
by Bamboo Tora
Summary: Feeding a giant green rage monster, witnessing the mating habits of Tony Stark, making sure Thor's adventurers don't flatten mid-town; all in a day's work for super villain in training Darcy Lewis.


Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers. I also do not own Marvel, Led Zeppelin or Whole Foods. The combination of the above was clearly a product of too much sugar and not enough creamer. Blah, blah, blah no whips necessary.

…...

Darcy was on a dangerous mission. If she was spotted all her work would be ruined.

She'd managed to get through the door without arousing suspicion. Her target's back was to her, his attention fixed on the microscope in front of him. So long as he didn't randomly turn around in the next few seconds she would be hidden behind a bank of computers. From there it was only a few feet across the lab and she would be at her goal.

Of course that was when her phone decided to ring. Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song belted out from her back pocket.

"We come from the land of the ice and snow. From the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow. The hammer of the Gods."

Her mark immediately spun around on his swivel chair and spotted her. Darcy gave a long groan of defeat and plopped the plate with the sandwich on the nearest flat surface. Whatever. Dr. Big and Green could deal with a squishy human in his lab for zero point two seconds. She pointed at the sandwich, made a threatening face, and then pointed to him.

Darcy retreated to the hallway. Maybe she could be Darcy the Despicable? Nah, didn't have the right ring to it. With an exasperated sigh out her nose she answered the phone. "Lewis."

"Lady Darcy!" Darcy was always sure to hold the phone away from her when Thor called.

"Hey big guy. Whatcha doin?" Darcy made her way passed Stark's lab and had to stop for a moment to marvel.

The man, who looked like he'd been in there for three days based on the beard and crazy hair, was playing incredibly realistic air guitar to whatever he was listening to. Darcy raised her phone and started a video.

"I am in need of your assistance," Thor announce/shouted.

Anything Thor would require her assistance for was probably not good. He required her assistance for things like sticking two pop tarts into the same slot of the toaster and then trying to get them out with mew-mew.

"Alright," Darcy said patiently and continued to watch Stark. There was quite a bit of pelvic thrusting going on in there. Could someone pull a pelvis? Like the whole thing?

"My Lady Jane has sent me on a quest for the milk of almonds," he declared.

Jane sent Thor for almond milk, her brain translated automatically. It took a moment for the thought to sink in. Oh. Oh God. That meant Thor was out in the world unsupervised.

"Where are you?" She questioned lightly. Darcy made a mental note to burn Jane's next set of pop tarts. Stark was on his knees thrusting now. It gave her a disturbing insight into Pepper's life. That woman needed a spa day like five years ago.

"I have entered the market of the Foods that are Whole," Thor declared proudly.

And apparently he was shouting at the top of his lungs in it. Where was there a Whole Foods near the tower anyway? Darcy closed her eyes in thought. She kept the video steady though.

Oh Odin's saggy left tit. The nearest Whole Foods was more than six blocks away. That was a large chuck of New York to wreck on the way back.

Darcy dithered. Choices. Choices. Talking Thor through first finding and then purchasing something at a Whole Foods was probably an exercise in futility. Making her way down the tower and six blocks through Manhattan at five in the evening had the same chance of success.

"Tell me Thor. Is there a nice looking lady around you?"

"There are many comely women," he agreed just as loudly.

Darcy put a hand over her eyes. "Pick one and give her the phone," she gritted out brightly.

There was a large amount of noise and something rubbed on the phone then, "Um, hello?"

"Hello," Darcy said politely. She tried to keep the 'I am a millimeter from becoming a super villain' note out of her voice. Maybe she could be Darcy the Doom Bringer? No. There was already a bad guy named Doom. "My friend there is very new to town. His friend sent him to pick up almond milk as a prank."

The woman made a slightly distressed noise. Darcy hoped it was because of the sob story and not something strange Thor was doing.

"Could you please help him pick up and figure out how to pay for a carton? I'd come down there myself but I have another hour left on my shift at the diner and I'm all the way in Brooklyn. If I leave early my Boss is going to have a fit." She pretend sniffed and tried to throw in extra sad-overworked-girl into her voice. "I just don't understand why Jim would think this was funny. It's our friend's first time in New York."

"Oh, of course. Of course." The woman assured. "I'll be happy to help him." Score one for Thor's pectorals.

"Really? Oh thank you so much." Darcy laid it on thick. "I'm so glad there are still nice people in the world. You just send him on his way when he's done." The woman made a noise of ascent and could already be heard talking to Thor. "Have a blessed day," Darcy chimed sweetly.

She hit the call end button and her eyes rolled so hard her lashes fluttered against her palm. When she dropped her hand she gave a yell.

Apparently while she'd been on the phone Stark had seen her standing there. He was on the other side of the glass with his shirt pulled up and one nipple pressed against the window.

Darcy bent over, dropped her face in both hands and gave a little scream. Maybe she could be Darcy the Destructor?


End file.
